Ark, The Herald Angel Sins

This story was written as an entry in the 2020 NYCMidnight Flash Fiction Contest. I had a weekend to write a <1,000 word story with the following prompts:

Genre = Comedy // Location = A Sinking Boat // Object = A Gold Coin

DISCLAIMER: This is a religious parody. Please don’t be angry, it’s all in good fun!

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And The Lord gazed down upon the Earth in despair. He glanced at a giant red button on the Universe Control Panel of Creation and Doom (UCPoCaD for short). He’d sworn never to use it, yet… temptation lingered. When Adam and Eve ate that damn apple he’d almost pressed it. Now he wished that he had. Everything had spiraled downhill from there. He’d almost pressed it again when Cain murdered his own brother — even had his hand hovering over it for a few seconds before changing his mind.

He blew the gathered dust off the button and sneezed.

Thunder bellowed in the world below.

“Every fucking time,” he swore, pulling a box of Claritin from a nearby drawer. He popped the dissolvable tablet in his mouth, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath, savoring the brief taste of minty freshness. “Much better.” 

He wiped the remaining dust particles off the button with his thumb. The letters on it shined like new. “THE GREAT FLOOD.”

The Lord paced in circles around the UCPoCaD. Was it really time to reset? To start from scratch? The human race was mostly hopeless, but perhaps there were a few decent people loitering around somewhere.

The Lord pressed the loudspeaker on the UCPoCaD. “Uriel, please report to my office immediately.”

In a flash of golden light, so bright it could be seen in the deepest oceans and across the farthest stars, Archangel Uriel appeared above The Lord. A chorus of angels sang as he floated down to the ground, numerous golden chains with money symbols swayed around his neck.

Uriel lowered his sunglasses to the bridge of his nose and raised a curious, pierced eyebrow. “‘Sup, God?”

“You know I despise it when you use slang.”

“Sorry. ‘Sup, Lord Almighty Creator of Heaven And Earth?”

“Better.” The Lord rolled his eyes. Uriel had always been… Well, he’d always been something. But he was responsible for tracking the decency of humans on Earth, so, this was who The Lord had to deal with. “Can you show me your recent statistics?”

“No prob.” A projector screen appeared containing several charts. Uriel studied them quickly and turned to The Lord. “Yeah, it’s not great, boss.”

The Lord cleared his throat and scowled.

Uriel ignored him. “According to the data, there are like… two good people left. Maybe ten? Depends if evil includes creating the first of what will eventually be known as memes.”

“Obviously…”

“Okay, yeah. Two then.”

“It seems humanity is a sinking ship.” 

And the time had come to abandon it.

The Lord looked back at the ominous red button and rested his hand over it, prepared to press. A tear rolled down his cheek, inciting a light rainstorm below.

“Wait,” Uriel interrupted. “What about the two good peeps? Maybe they’re worth saving.”

The Lord sighed. It would be a lot of work to start completely from scratch. 

“Alright, Uriel. Find these humans. Tell them… To build an ark.”

With a wink and another burst of light, Uriel vanished.

* * *

Archangel Uriel sat on the bow of Noah’s ark in a speedo. Though the waves of The Great Flood were a bit rough, the sun was bright and his tan was seriously lacking. He lay back his head and tried to relax, but the animal grunting and scent of manure from below deck made that notion rather difficult.

“Uriel,” Noah said as he approached, tapping a staff on the deck to get his attention. 

“‘Sup, N-Dawg?” Uriel said without opening his eyes.

“I can’t pay you any more.”

Uriel shot up from the deck, flapping his angelic wings through the air and landed face-to-face with Noah. “‘Scuse me?”

“I’ll have no money when The Great Flood is over.”

Uriel flicked Noah’s ear. “You’re the only humans left on Earth, silly. Why do you need money?”

Noah shrugged. “Happiness?”

“I told you I’d keep your secret as long as you continued to pay me.”

“I couldn’t leave my sons behind.”

“Listen,” Uriel rested a hand on Noah’s shoulder and drew him closer. “You keep your annoying sons and their wives hidden below deck, and I tell his Lordship that I only saved you and Mrs. Noah. That was the arrangement.”

“They’re growing tired of living with the animals.”

For one of the last two good people on Earth, Noah sure whined excessively. Perhaps Uriel’s algorithm was off. Regardless, it couldn’t be allowed to continue. He snapped his fingers. It was echoed by the cracking of wood below and the sound of gushing water.

“Would they prefer to live at the bottom of the ocean with the rest?”

Noah’s eyes grew wide. “Please don’t do this!”

Uriel snapped his fingers again and another hole burst open in the hull of the boat. He could already feel the weight shifting and the water creeping higher as the ark sunk deeper.

Noah’s hands scrambled at the pouch on his waist. He grabbed a gold coin and held it out.

Uriel took the coin and kissed it as water began pouring over the edges of the boat. “See? That wasn’t so hard.” He clapped his hands and the ark rose above the waves, floating once again.

“I’ll see you again soon, my friend.” Uriel patted Noah on the head. Then he flapped his wings like an elegant dove and ascended into the Heavens.

* * *

And The Lord gazed down upon the Earth in despair. Thousands of years later and humanity was still sinking, even though they’d drowned all the bad ones. Perhaps evil was simply in their nature. He scrolled on his phone to the next meme and nearly snorted water out his nose in laughter. At least they were getting funnier.

The Lord put away his phone and looked at the upgraded giant red button on the UCPoCaD. The angel engineers had finished it decades ago, but he’d been procrastinating again.

No warnings this time.

Something bigger than a flood.

The Lord pressed the button.

And so it was written.

(c) Kade Kessler 2020

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If you enjoyed this story (or hated it) or have any feedback at all let me know in the comments below! If you want to read more by me head over to my Short Stories page!